My Toddler is Rude to Others!
We’ve all had that embarrassing experience of our toddler interrupting a social interaction to announce they don’t like the person we’re talking to, they don’t want someone to talk to us, or they’re otherwise unsatisfied with this person’s mere existence. What can you do about it in the moment, and how can you stop it from happening again?
First, we can address it in the moment. If a toddler is unsure about a new adult or stranger, they may be trying to express that. This is developmentally appropriate as they’re learning what adults are trustworthy. You can help your child verbalize how they’re possibly feeling by saying something like “you see someone new and you’re not sure about them.” This helps give the child some appropriate language, but (just as importantly) it also reminds the other adult that your child isn’t rude, he’s learning.
Second, you can practice social situations at home. When kids aren’t sure what to do in a situation, they may find it easier to try to prevent the interaction from happening. Saying “I don’t like that person” or telling the adult “don’t talk to my mom” may be their way of trying to avoid what may feel like an awkward interaction they don’t know how to handle. To practice, pretend to talk to someone at home. Do this when no one is upset, in a low-risk and low-stress environment. Then you can give your child options of what they can pretend to do. They could say hello to the person you’re talking to, wave to them, say nice to meet you, squeeze your hand for reassurance, or just listen to the conversation. Once you’ve practiced this at home in a neutral environment you can work up to adding another adult to the pretend- invite a grandparent or neighbor over with the goal of practicing a conversation. In the beginning keep practices short to set kids up for success. If you and the other adult each get to say hello without any objections count that as a win! Then you can gradually work up to a longer conversation, and gradually work up to trying it in real time in public.
Separation Anxiety
Is there anything more guilt inducing than dropping off a toddler who is clinging to you, begging you not to leave? Knowing it’s developmentally appropriate for kids to go through this phase doesn’t make it any easier. In the big picture it means your child sees you as safe and comfortable and protective, but it’s hard to see that as a win when you’re late to work and your clothes are covered in snot and tears and questions about your life’s choices. There are a few keys to you and your child surviving this phase unscathed.
Always say goodbye. I know it’s tempting to sneak out when they’re distracted in a hope to minimize the tears, but it can do more harm than good. Saying goodbye may be difficult, but it also lets kids know they can count on you to not abandon them without notice.
Let kids know what to expect. When my first child went to preschool for the first time at 2 years old, he was anxious. Fortunately they had a day where kids and parents could come and see the classroom and spend some time in it together before the first day of school. Unfortunately he thought that’s what every day would be like- he and I going to preschool. It took a lot of repetition for him to remember that I was going to drop him off, I was going to work, and then I would return to get him. We never know what kids are assuming, and if we don’t tell them what to expect sometimes their fears are things we’d never consider, like leaving them there forever.
Keep it short and sweet. Preschool teachers will tell us that once the goodbye is over, most kids are okay and playing with friends fairly quickly. In an effort to soothe our kids we tend to stay and prolong the inevitable, which can make their reaction bigger and last longer. If we can get out of the way it hopefully allows the teachers to soothe kids and get them into their regular morning routine. For kids the majority of kids who bounce back quickly after their parent leaves, it’s usually well worth the few minutes of anxiety for a few hours of fun.
It’s great for attachment. Many well-meaning parents of anxious kids want to keep them at home to avoid the anxiety. While that may seem attuned to the child’s needs, it can also reinforce the idea that the child isn’t safe away from their parent(s), and increase the anxiety long term. It’s great practice for kids to be with other safe adults and know that it is safe to try new or scary things. One of the best ways for kids to learn healthy attachment is for their primary caregiver to leave and come back.
Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing something amazing for your child when you’re allowing them to socialize with peers, learn how to follow directions, experience new things, be independent, and learn who they are apart from their parent(s). It also helps adults be better parents when we have time away to recharge and not constantly be in parent mode. Hopefully we can return eager to see our kids, and them eager and happy to see us.
What Does a Therapist Mean When They Ask About “Legal Concerns?”
Anytime I do an intake session with parents of a new client I ask them if their family has any legal concerns. When parents stare at me blankly and ask me what I’m talking about, I tell them if they aren’t sure if they have any legal concerns, they probably don’t have any.
What am I talking about? Anything having to do with the legal system that potentially affects the child: an impending or ongoing divorce, a custody battle or anticipated custody battle, a DUI that prevents one parent or another adult from driving the kids, criminal charges that prevent any adult rom being around children, criminal charges that may mean one parent will be servicing time in jail, juvenile charges against the child or sibling, or potential for adoption all fall under this category.
Your therapist is not judging you or your family for any of these potential situations, we just want to understand the full picture of what the child is going through or may be going through in the future. Part of my job is to help you brainstorm ways to support your child through whatever they’re going through, including language to talk about difficult topics.
When Should I Talk to My Kid(s) About Sex?
When should I talk to my kids about sex?
Ideally we have many, many conversations with our kids and not one “talk” like we may’ve received years ago. Most experts suggest that starting earlier is better so that it normalizes the conversation. That means when we teach body parts to babies we include the accurate names for genitals, that we teach toddlers that they don’t have to hug someone if they don’t want to, and we teach kids to expect and show respect in relationships. But unless your child is growing up on a farm you may not be talking to your kids about eggs and sperm and ovulation. When do we do that??
I like to say 7 is heaven, eight is great, 9 is the line. I know that seems scary sometimes. A friend asked “what happens for kids who haven’t heard the info before then?” The sky won’t fall, there’s just a much higher chance they’ve heard the informational somewhere else and you don’t get to control the narrative. If a child has already heard information from peers or books or (god forbid, YouTube), there are two things that happen.
That information is often inaccurate, and kids fill in the parts they don’t know with guesses that are also inaccurate, and
That information doesn’t include any of your family’s values, often doesn’t include any context about healthy relationships, and doesn’t help create a healthy dialogue with the parent.
For parents that are nervous that their children are too young and naive to get the whole picture of repropruction, I often tell them f they want to keep their child innocent, hearing the information from you before peers have had a chance to spill it is a great way to keep them innocent. If they know the facts then they don’t need to go to peers or books or the internet for information that you may not condone.
Do Kids Care About Confidentiality?
Typically, the younger a child is the less they’re concerned about confidentiality. A three year old is used to their teacher, doctor, soccer coach, dance instructor, and babysitter talking to their parent at nearly any interaction. They may not even know there could be an adult who wouldn’t share things with their parent(s).
Older kids are often more attuned to sharing things they might not want their parents to know about- whether that’s a crush at school or something they think they might get in trouble for or something they think might hurt their parent’s feelings.
It’s important to let children know that therapy is a unique space, different from school or home or dance, and their expectations can be different too. I tell kids that as an adult, I will never ask them to keep a secret, but that I can keep any secrets they want -unless someone is in danger. I also let them know if someone is in danger and they tell me something I have to share with other adults- I’ll always let them know that first. I don’t want a child to be surprised that I spoke with their parent or that I made a CPS report. I like for them to know “this is one of those things I have to work with other grown ups on to make sure everyone is safe” and then “here’s who I’m going to tell and here’s what I’m going to say.”
For kids who are concerned about confidentiality, we practice having them tell me something silly (I had a pb&J for breakfast or my teacher is an alien) and then they watch as I don’t tell their parents. It’s hard for adults too, so I try to talk to parents about what to expect, and that if they aren’t getting much feedback from me it’s because I’m working to build trust with their child.